Changes and Inspiring Friends.

Moving is a big and major change. The one I embarked on earlier this year was probably the most stressful one I’ve ever endeavored. My best librarian friend was at first visiting me down in Savannah, and little did either one of us know that on his way back to his brother’s house, he’d be toting me with him. I was jobless and emotionally a wreck; I knew what needed to get done, but felt too numb to make any concrete decisions. When I started to move into the house and start my new job…I was determined to stay in my shell; that same shell that my Lady in Red had managed to pull me out of 15 years ago.

Taxim has managed to help me grow comfortable in my skin again with our late night video chats and role playing with our various characters on our favorite site. When I started to lose all desire to draw and paint, my best college friend suggested that I take a sabbatical, and reminded me when even though they maybe not be nearby, the friends that love me the most will always be around to lift me up again.

Whether I’m capable of thinking rationally or not during times of change and stress, I knew from the start that after living 30 years amongst nothing but rooms stacked high with clutter, I definitely needed to clear out some space to breathe. I remember the first year I lived with my last boyfriend; my sisters were coming to visit for St. Patty’s, and we still had yet to clear out any walking space from the front door to the living area. And the ex wondered why I was frantically going through my stuff to clear out, throw away, and simply remove it from my sight when we had a week before my sisters arrived. “Calm down, you don’t have to get rid of anything, let‘s just think it over before you do anything you‘ll regret.” We had a whole year to think it over, and nothing got done. How much more thinking did we need to do?!

And since I tend to be a great respecter of leaving other people’s stuff to their own devices, I left his junk alone and continued through the process of weeding out my clutter. My clutter, my past…everything that has been filling me with frustration as I piss and moan about moving it around and it all getting in my way. No more. I think I’ve successfully gone through roughly 1/3 of my stuff if not more, and a majority of it is in boxes in the dining room ready to be taken to Good Will or the Salvation Army. And if they’re not willing to take any of it, due to whatever new restrictions they’re putting on donations, well…then…guess it’s going into the trash!

It’s a cleansing process to me, one of which I believe has helped me clear away some of the emotional clutter that tends to keep me from opening up. I’ve got more open space in my bedroom, but am still working on clearing stuff out of the office. I think depending on how much stuff I have in the end will determine whether or not I turn the office into another guest bedroom. I know that I’m still hiding myself in my room most of the time, and I think having a secondary room like an office will help to get me out of it a bit more often. Or maybe I should claim one of the downstairs rooms for myself and turn the office into a guest bedroom. Then, if that hutch desk I want is still available, I won’t have to figure out a way of getting it up the stairs. Hmm…either way…I suppose that shelf unit will have to be moved again…



Really…this house is just too big for me. I either need to find a smaller place, or find me a roommate with a TV and gaming system to get me to get more interested in being around the rest of the house.



But…I think there is still hope for me yet. Karper…you remember him right? He wants me to illustrate his book. (Scratch that…he NEEDs me to illustrate some awesome children’s books he has in mind now. You see that? I‘m NEEDed! Or…at least my drawing skills are.) I’m not entirely sure how that’s going to work out, but he‘s actually got me excited about it! That’s a feat in itself! But getting to know him and the rare times I’ve had the chance to hang out with him have been…well…inspiring.



So much so, that while I was going stir-crazy from the seclusion I tend to put myself in, I emailed him about painting the living room wall. Just going off to get some random colors from the hardware store and turning them into something. He was all for it, but trying to work out a when for such an endeavor was proving to be rather painful; like pulling teeth. He’s always busy with something, and my work schedule is always inconsistent. Thankfully, over the ThanksGimme weekend, we were able to touch base and get something done; AFTER calling his mother a few hundred times and showing him off at work…just so the coworkers who didn’t know what he looked like got a better idea as to why the one who did know him started teasing me about him. Seriously, how he’s still single is beyond me…other than that busy schedule of his. Oy!



A quick McD’s lunch and laying out the drop cloth, and we were ready to roll! He wanted to do a forest scene with elves; I turned down the elves since this was the first major painting I was doing in…too long, and I’ve yet to feel confident in myself to even remotely draw any kind of figure for the moment. Though, I think Karper has this fixation on elves since our email chats talking about his desire to be a vampire and my beliefs that elves still exist. Either way, it still puts a smile on my face…I think just to be able to swap thoughts and ideas like that with someone again.



Anyways…though I really didn’t know what I had in mind as to how the painting was going to look, we had only a few short hours to get some progress done. So I gave Karper a paint brush, drew out a boarder and told him to paint me some sky while I mixed up some green for the ground. He thought it would be cool to have a day scene and a night scene, and then we rambled out some ideas of boarders, frames, a portal or vines…random ideas while I sponged in some clouds and he brushed in some grass. His involvement in the initial start of the project helped spark the creativity in my again, to which by the time he had to leave and I was left staring at the sky and grass…I figured out what to do with it.



And granted, it means that much of his original work will get covered up over the layers and layers of paint that I have and will continue to add over time…the fact that Karper has managed to get me to paint again is a feat that he should be rather proud of. I’m also doing my best to let him watch how the painting progresses…as he originally showed interest in seeing something being created. When I think about it, I’m not entirely sure if this is what he meant…or the fact that it’s viewed at a distance instead of up close and personal (something I can’t managed to do at the moment)…but what I’ve captured thus far seems to have captured Taxim’s and Senza’s interest…so…at least I know someone likes watching me paint, ruin the tunes to some decent songs with my horrid voice, and shake my hypnotic groove thang when the rhythm moves me.



So yeah…if you’re interested in watching over three hours worth of footage, be my guest. There will be more to come later down the road…but I think with as much as I‘ve accomplished, a break to let my mind figure out what to do with the other half is in store while I look through my reference photos is in order...



I’ve at least been assured that it won’t be painted over once Mom starts tearing up the floors and painting the downstairs!

Computer is Finally Fixed…kind of!

Ok, so that should explain the reason why I haven’t posted anything as of lately. My computer was down, and then a few weeks later my mom gave me her laptop, but it doesn’t have the programs I usually use to crop my photos with. So, even if I had some art to show, I wouldn’t feel comfortable showing it without cropping off the parts of my wall or couch or whatever that you don’t need to see.

But over Thanks Giving, I was able to get my computer fixed…just without the programs I used to have on it! ~head bows in defeat~ So, I’m using the laptop now, if only to have the wonderful use of the spell check from the word processor program…but I still need to transfer some files over if it’s going to become a permanent fixture. To do that, I need to find my thumb drive which is currently MIA after flying up to NY for my grandmother’s funeral.

OH SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT!

Last month my grandmother turned 95, which we were all happy to hear about until a couple weeks later when her health took a turn for the worst. She lived a good, long life and according to the various people that talked to us about her, she knew how to light up the room and make everyone laugh. I know that I lived with her for a short time while I was finishing up my first degree and getting ready to transfer to another school, but I can honestly say that in that year or so…I didn’t really get to know her. Honestly, I wasn’t home often…in between classes and work that were both a good 30 to 40 minute drive away, and trying to hang out with friends when I had the time, Grandma and I didn’t spend a lot of time together. Really…the only thing I can remember of what little time was spent was in front of the TV on Saturday nights, watching the British comedy on, I think, PBS. Half of the time she’d fall asleep in her chair, or I’d hear the occasional release of gas…but over all, it was a good quiet time together.

And that’s how I want to remember her. I have to literally force myself to think of those times to get the image of her lying in a coffin out of my head. It just looked so creepy to see her there. A couple of my friends came during calling hours, and two of us held each other looking away while the other gave her respects. It just didn’t feel right.

The whole time up in my home town didn’t feel right. My family stayed at a former neighbor’s house, which was good and comfortable, but to me seemed…kind of in an odd time warped. When Dad and I drove through the back roads into town, a wonderful experience to see what it is I’m yearning to return to, we noted all the different changes in the city I grew up in. Tops is gone, Price Chopper is no longer where it used to be, all the bowling alleys have closed down, and the local ice cream shop is under new ownership with a completely different menu. Even the street I grew up in no longer has tall trees shading the lawns. They’ve all been cut down and replaced with saplings. All of those changes and yet our neighbor’s house looks the same.

There’s nothing wrong with it, mind you. Once you’re comfortable with something there’s no point in changing it, so please don’t take offense to the observation. I know once I’m settled down I won’t be changing much of anything myself. I just found it strange, probably in comparison to how often my mom changes everything in her own home. There was always an addition to put on the house I was growing up in, and when my sisters moved out, their bedrooms were renovated. I’m sure if they stayed in town long enough, my room would have met the same fate once I left. A constant change, which one could say is a good thing considering how often the times change our lives on us. The birth of a child, a death of a loved one, the union between two others, or perhaps a separation…but always changing.

Anyways, I’d like to thank you again, Mr. and Mrs. B, for letting us gather in your home while we dealt with the passing of our grandmother. (And a special thanks to you, Mrs. B, for letting me know what you thought about my writing.) It’s always good to know there are still people around that care and will help during the sad moments of our lives; as I learned when I got to see three of my good girl friends from high school as we got together for dinner. We played catch up, ate good food, and talked. Talked!

You learn to value a good conversation when you feel like you haven’t had one in a long time. Yes, I have my coworkers and my boyfriend, but when that’s the only life you have and the only people you interact with on a regular basis…there tends not to be much to talk about anymore. I’m sure it’s more of a comfort issue with me more than anything else, but there’s just some things I’d rather tell my best friend than my boss. Which is why I’ll be glad to be moving back in the direction of my home town within the next few months. I want to be closer to my friends, because honestly…I’m having a hard time getting up the nerve to make new ones.

David Sedaris best explains it in his book “When You are Engulfed in Flames”, a book my sister is letting me borrow…”Perhaps I’ve grown less likeable over the years, or maybe I’ve just forgotten how to meet people.”

My cousin’s husband came to sit with me, alone in the corner of the room while everyone was chatting it up at my grandmother’s wake. I know I was a bit standoffish, I will admit to that…but…him being nice to me kind of made him seem creepy to me. I’m sure it was all just a misunderstanding on my end, but for some reason, I’ve never been used to random strangers being nice to me. And to me, he was a stranger, though I’m sure there was a chance we’ve met before. When and where completely alludes me, because if it didn’t make that great of an impression on me, then I will apparently forget all about it. How sad is that? So now I have to apologize, practically to everyone of how rude I tend to be…just because slowly but surely people are unintentionally creeping me out on a regular basis.

And yet I feel more comfortable writing it all out for other people to read. I still enjoy role playing on the chat forums, and prefer to talk to people online instead of over the phone. Maybe I just don’t like the sound of my own voice, or more like the awkwardness I feel whenever I have a hard time saying what I want. Somehow, typing it all out just makes it…better. Then again, it could be the lack of interruptions I get on the computer instead of over the phone or in person. I never seem to be able to finish my thought while others ramble on and on. ~shrugs~ Who knows.

Anyways…I went to visit my friends for Thanks Giving, mostly to get my computer fixed, but also to get out of town for a short time and enjoy some friendly company…more so from their five cats than of them, strangely enough. It was a lot of driving on my part, separated by a day or so of being smothered by one cat’s need for affection and trying to figure out what was wrong with my computer. Emalia and I got to talking about some projects I was working on, and just before we left for their friend’s house for dinner, she handed me a sketch book and pen.

I had explained that I felt lacking in my observational drawing skills, and with a book my friend Kyla had given me, I was going to draw scenery and random portraits of people and put them in a separate blog here to give an idea of what I was doing and to see if I’m improving at all. Not only would it be observational in the drawing sense, but in writing as well…as I would be taking down notes to remind me of what was going on during the drawings. I also told Emalia, as I told Kyla this the last time we talked, that when I filled up the books, I would be sending them back to the people who gave them to me; as a thank you for getting me the materials kind of deal. Hence why Emalia gave me the book to begin with. Who doesn’t like free art, after all? And a whole sketch book, no less…which according to some, sometimes ends up being worth more than some single pieces. ^_~

Now I just need Photoshop again, so I can scan and crop my pictures the way I’m used to. ( Hint: Xmas is coming up! ) That…and a new monitor that’s way lighter than one I have now. I like the size of the screen ( THANK YOU, DAD! ) but it’s just so heavy. ( Here’s some more hinting. ) I struggled getting it to and from the car. Leif told me there were some flat screens for…well…closer to my price range, so we’ll see how things go after the holidays. ^_^

So…yeah. There’s my incomplete thoughts, ramblings, and hints for this time around. Hope I’ve caught you all up now. If not, that’s ok; it just means I’ll have something else to talk about later down the road!

Oh yeah! Check out my friend’s blog! He promoted me, so now I shall return the favor!
http://poorlyscrawledparchment.blogspot.com/